secret comics

The Crow’s Nest – Part I of II

Impossibly thick morning fog filled the narrow streets of the Crow’s Nest like cotton stuffed in the top of an aspirin bottle. Archie Berton and Pilar Frankhouser seemed to sort of materialize out of the miasma in front of Alton’s Bakery.

A quiet bell announced their entrance. No one seemed to notice anyway.

“What’ll it be,” asked the man behind the counter. He looked unusually pale and had dark red lips.

“Three donuts each, please. Two O.J.s”

“What kind?”

“Ms. Wease said we should have the hope donuts.”

“Ms. Wease from P.S. 176?”

“Yes, that’s her.”

“Huh. That’ll be $3.50.”

Sitting down, Arch and Pilar resumed their conversation from earlier.

“Well, I don’t think there’s any Crow’s Nest conspiracy going on,” Archie said.

Everyone in the bakery stopped talking and turned to stare at them. Now the bakery seemed considerably smaller, and much, much more menacing.

to be continued…
-----
Love,

150 Words Or Less

The Two Rufuses

Sobs leaked out of the kitchen like groundwater, stopping Professor Hertzog in his tracks.

“Rrrrwarrr-buh-huh-huh-huh…”

Rufus. Crying.

“Ru-fus!”

“Rwwwwwwaaaaaarrrr!”

“What in blazes is wrong now?

Rufus the swamp monster lifted his doleful, tear-stained eyes towards the Professor.

“Rwarrrrrrr…”

“This has something to do with Rufus, doesn’t it?” Rufus had insisted on naming his cat Rufus.

Burying his face in the table, Rufus began sobbing with renewed vigor.

“What’s the matter?”

“Rwaaaaaaaaaaaaarr-huh-buh-huh-huh…”

“And you’ve looked for him?

“Rwwwwwaawr.”

“Uh-huh. In your room?”

No response.

“Rufus, let’s check your room, OK?”

“Rwwar.”

An open dresser drawer in Rufus’ room immediately caught the Professor’s eye.

“Rufus, would you check that drawer for me?”

“Rwwrraar.”

Walking towards the drawer, Rufus’ eyes grew as big as saucers. He turned excitedly to the professor.

“Shhhh. Sleeping.”

Rufus nodded, his eyes glued to Rufus, the tiny snow-white kitten asleep and purring among the towels.

-----

Love,

150 Words Or Less

In Red Crayon

Lightning crackled and sparked in the night sky, as sheets of rain cascaded down on the Great Dismal Swamp. Professor Hertzog and Rufus listened to storm while they finished their Sloppy Joes.

“Remember Rufus, help clean up tonight and we’ll write to your… girlfriend.” The Professor grinned broadly.

Which made Rufus blush visibly, something one rarely sees a swamp creature do.

“Rrwarrrrrrr,” came his reply.

Rufus quickly cleaned the kitchen, and then knocked on the door of the Professor’s study.

“That’s fine, Rufus. Let’s get started.

“‘Dear…’”

“Rrrrrwaaaaaaarrrr!”

“Oh yes, Ilene. ‘Dear Ilene. It was nice to meet you at summer camp.’”

“Rwarrrrrrr.”

“‘Maybe we can see each other at Christmas, or possibly Thanksgiving. Please ask Professor Quon about this’. Rufus, would you sign it?”

“Rwwar.”

In red crayon, Rufus drew the best heart he could at the bottom of the page, and underneath that, the letter “R”.

-----

Love,

150 Words Or Less

Canucks

“Morning, Linus.”

“Nyah hya hya hya…

His laugh wasn’t far down the hall. I took a swig of my coffee. Black and cold.

“What’s up, Chuck E. Cheese?”

“Nothing much, Mr. Van Pelt. How’s your sister Lucy and the rest of the Peanuts gang?”

“What?”

“Nothing. You catch the Canucks game last night?”

“Hell no, dude. I already told you, I’m a Blackhawks fan. From Chi-ca-go.”

“Plus, hockey’s for little girls.”

“Nyah nyah hya hya hya… right? Right!?! Hey, I brought those Van Halen CDs today.”

“Really Linus, that’s OK. I bring my own music.”

“No, you hafta check out this rock.”

“Linus, look. No, come closer. Closer. Good. Now, I like some of those old Van Halen records. I just don’t rock that way anymore. Bad accident with some spandex pants and pyrotechnics.”

“Your loss, Chuck. If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a little Diver Down.”

-----

love,

150 Words Or Less

The Secret History of Halloween, Part I

“You have to call me Count Bloodula, Freddy. Mom said so!”

“No, she didn’t. Now get on the bus and stop being a retard.”

No one else was wearing a costume. Dominic had on the cape his grandmother made for him, the vampire makeup he had ordered from Fangoria in June, and his church clothes, sans tie.

Dom was nervous, but proud of himself. It was Halloween.

During recess, a fat kid started teasing Dominic about his costume.

“Hey dork, nice outfit. Dressed up for dork day, dork?”

“Actually,” said Freddy, standing behind him, “I like your ass-jerk outfit better.” Then Freddy gave him a bloody nose. He got in-school suspension for the rest of the day.

That afternoon, Dominic smuggled Freddy a cupcake.

“Dom, you know I can’t have sugar.”

“Oh yeah.”

“But thanks anyway… Count Bloodula.”

“Hey, you said my name.”

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

-----

Love,

150 Words Or Less

Maps of Hokkaido

The moving truck rumbled away in a cloud of dusty morning sunlight. Astronaut the Cat sat for a long time on the empty driveway. The Mallard’s had moved… without him.

After a while, he decided to visit Pizza Party and catch up. Pizza Party, an old Asian White, began the obsession with Japan that he and Astronaut shared. He lived with Ms. Milner. The two cats liked to read about Japan, drink green tea, and pore over maps of Hokkaido.

Ms. Milner answered the door.

“Hello, ma’am. Is Pizza Party home?”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. Pizza Party’s not here… anymore.” The tone of her voice told everything.

“Well, thanks anyway.”

“Astronaut, may I ask you something?”

Astronaut stared down at the welcome mat, as if somehow guilty.

“Would you like to stay here? I could use the company, and I have all these books…”

“Yes. I’d like that very much.”

-----

Love,

150 Words Or Less

The Hill

Dave hadn’t been to her house in a year. Just remember, take West down the hill. A right on Ocean. A left on Alki. It’s the last house on the left.

“Hey.”

Silence.

“Dave. I’m talking to you.”

“Yeah. And I’m ignoring you.”

“Really.”

“Uh-huh. Killy, you didn’t have to come. I’m sorting through a lot of things right now. So ease up. Please.”

More silence.

There’s Ocean. Gotta turn right. This whole thing is stupid.

“And how long have you two been broken up?”

“Don’t push me, Killy.”

OK, there’s Alki. Only a more few houses. I’m such an idiot.

“Well?”

“I’m pretty sure this is her hou— Oh god, did I hit something?”

“A silver car, Dave.”

“A Honda?”

“Looks like it.”

“Fuck, I hit her roommate’s car”

“Did a light just come on upstairs? Dude, I could have told you this was a stupid idea.”

------

love,

150 Words Or Less

Special thanks to Dr. Peter Balbert for his assistance.

Cakes

For cakes, morning was a golden time. Nobody was in the store, yet hope burned strong. Every cake had a chance, even Circus Scene.

To be honest, Circus Scene didn’t have much of a chance. Shrek was a far more popular choice. Barbie, too. Circus Scene, actually, had been born as a mix-up in the Randall’s regional bakery.

By noon, it was clear people really wanted crullers and muffins today. Not cakes.

Hours passed. Neon lights hummed. Sunlight peaked and faded. Carts rolled by, but few stopped.

At nine, the store’s main lights were turned off. Someone walked into the bakery, perusing the cakes. After closing, baked goods were marked down to half-price.

“That one,” said Gabriella Estrella del Cielo, pointing in the general direction of Circus Scene. She didn’t speak English very well.

The bakery guy gestured at Circus Scene. Gabriella nodded.

Every cake has a chance. Always.

-----

love,

150 Words Or Less

Coming Home

“Mama, did you see that?”

“Hmmm…?”

“There, on TV. Did you see about the Alpacas?

“No Mario, I don’t think I saw any… Alpacklers.”

“Alpacas, Jenna, Alpacas! I’m… I’m going to call Beyer about this.”

Mario dialed Jackson Grumble, LLP’s number, and asked for his son.

“Beyer, this is your father.”

“Dad.” A pause. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Why should anything be wrong? Look, I’m starting an Alpaca ranch.”

Beyer exhaled softly.

“That actually sounds like a good idea.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Dad, I’m coming home. We’ll do this together”

“Do… do you mean that?”

“I mean it, dad.”

Beyer hung up. He was biting his lower lip.

“Now what was that all about?”

“My dad’s either going to buy an Alpaca ranch, or he’s having a stroke, or both. In any event, I quit. Keep whatever you find in my office.”

-----

love,

150 Words Or Less

Cookies

"Give us communion! Give us communion!"

"OK, OK, hold on a sec."

Sweet Jesus, I thought, fumbling with their individually marked Ziploc bags, Freddy and Dominic take as many meds as anyone I’ve ever seen.

"Alright Dominic, now your hands."

"I told you before, I’m Kal-El!"

"Fine, Kal-El, just do it. No, no, cup 'em. OK, Body of Christ, Bread of Heaven. Now gimme that apple juice. Quick. Blood of Christ, Cup of Salvation. Now gulp it.

Now you, Freddy. Hands out, like that. Good. Body of Christ, Bread of Heaven. Kal-El, the apple juice. Thank you. Blood of Christ, Cup of Salvation. And chug. Now, how about meeting up with your friends and watching SpyKids 2?"

"SpyKids 2," whined Freddy, "that movie sucks balls."

"Like hell it does, Fred. Besides, Kal-El’s not complaining."

"Sure, he’s only 7 and—”

"Shhh. Now get inside triple-quick before all those fresh-baked cookies are gone."

-----

love,

150 Words Or Less