secret comics

Exposed! They're Messing With My Sweeties

OK, let's take this back all the way back to the beginning:

So I was humming The Undertones' "Mars Bars" -- "Mars Bars/I've had tons so far/something, something/helps you work, rest, and play..."  Of course, being the best commercial ever for Mars Bars, the song starts to make me want a Mars Bar.  But I'm an adult.  I don't run out and just buy things I want when I want them -- that would be "insane".  I wait around, playing it cool, pretending not to feel the fire in my blood, waiting until I actually have a reason to go to a convenience store. 

This weekend, though, I end up at... some convenience store or other.  I scan the candy shelf.  No Mars Bars.  At least, no familiar wrapper, which a-looks a-like a-so:

This is the "Fun Size" wrapper, but it's substantially the same as the regular one. 

I go to another store later, same sad scenario -- with the same song stuck in my head.  Where in the hell are the Mars Bars?!?  And for the record, I was picking good, reputable convenience stores, ones likely to carry Mars bars.

It was slowly dawning on me -- there might be no more Mars Bars.  Things just go away sometimes.  Even sweet, delicious things.  We live in an ugly world, I guess.  But I wasn't going down without a fight.  Or something.

So... my research reveals that Mars Bars didn't necessarily "go away" -- they just became... Snickers Almond Bars!  Who knew?!?  Why did they know?  Who told them?  My haphazard online research reveals that Mars killed off their namesake candy bar (in the U.S., anyway) in 2002, replacing it with a more-or-less identical-tasting yet differently dressed candy bar.  We're through the looking glass here, people.  In the interest of research, I had one of these Snickers Almond Bars, and yes, they pretty much taste like the old Mars Bars -- I'd give them a 85-95% taste match, with an extraordinarily large margin for error, just because.

Yet the Mars Bars that The Undertones were singing about were analagous to neither the U.S. Mars Bar nor the Snickers Almond Bar.  Based on a little of my own suspicion plus some confirmation from the folks at the Gumby Institute of Candy Controversies, the closest thing we in the States have to the Undertones' beloved Mars Bars is actually... a Milky Way.

While they ICC analyzes Canadian (rather than European) Mars Bars, their analysis remains rock-solid.  Please note the compelling visual comparison of the American Milky Way to the Canadian Mars Bar:

So if you're looking to stuff yourself with the Undertones grub of choice here in America, drop that Snickers Almond and go with the Milky Way mister...

Check out this ICC discussion of the clear disconnect between the (now-discontinued) U.S. and international Mars Bars for additional info on this subject.  There may be more going on here than meets the eye. 

Two Thousand Words Before Monday

Tiny-Spielin' from Mike Watt

"I actually started writing Contemplating the Engine Room on my bike. I started riding the bike when I was 38. I got a car at 16 and never rode the bike again. I thought it was for little kids, and then I figured out I was an asshole."

---Watt, interview with Splendid magazine

"trippy how this boat gets tugged/in synch somehow with the stars above/which in turn are moved by love..."

---Watt, "Pelicanman" (from The Middleman's Second Stand)

[pic from here... more about (t)here in a bit]

High Water, Wet Socks

Back from Houston on a rainy night last night, so I decided to capture bits and pieces of the evening with an old digital camera -- you can check out some earlier similar riffing on this theme here.

So they have this strange little game room tucked off the antechamber of the entrance of the Super Wal-Mart in Brenham.  I've never seen it before.  I wasn't looking for it.  I wasn't looking for anything -- I was just waiting out the weather.  Damn we're having some vicious storms these days, and I was tired and it was dark.  But with the <<digifoto>> along for the ride, a slightly more documentarian era for the Comics! 

Here's what I got:

And then the storm(s) kicked up again and I had to stop at the Quix... somewhere.  I don't know where.  I had to buy a soda there and use the WC to take the heat off me blatantly stolling around snapping candids of their purchasables.  The lady working there could have given a crap, honestly.  It was late.  I was probably insane.  She don't need this crap.

Not So Fast, I Guess...

Here is (what almost certainly seems to be) the true story of Hopkin Green Frog.  It's not ha-ha funny like it originally seemed, but there are some people standing up and doing the right thing, and that's pretty fucking impressive.

Love, Terry

This made me kind of sad at first, but then its considerable charms got under my skin -- now I'm a believer.  Terry'll find that frog, don't you worry...

[Thanks, Memepool]

Three Girl Rhumba (with apologies to Elastica)

OK, this guy says Wire were not punk.  Regardless of whether I agree with him, it's a pretty good piece on Wire, and there's a bunch of other good Wire links on the same page.  Check it out, if that's the sort of thing that floats your boat.

Here's some multimedia from the site for your enjoyment that I thought was particularly cool-

One Hand Clapping

Hey.  It's a random

haiku generator.  Cool.

You should check it out.

Rock Over London, Rock On Chicago

New logo #1, designed by Comics corporate:

New logo #2, also totally corporate:

We've also come up with some new mersh, which you can get here. The new mersh looks a little bit (exactly) like this -- differently sized per your specific order, of course: 

I didn't really want to do a Cafe Press deal, but am too broke right now to print up another batch of free t's right now -- I've checked out the quality of these particular shirts (namely the value white shirts) and I'm pretty happy with them. I hope there are a few more designs up soon, something a little cuter and cuddlier maybe. Or not. Look, corporate makes the decisions, not me.

[In the interest of full disclosure, I would technically be making a $1.01 profit from any plain white T-shirt sold from the Comics Cafe Press store; I'm not making a profit off any other Comics item.  Would be making a profit assumes anyone actually buys anything, which is kind of a long shot.  But I just wanted everyone to know the deal in advance.  OK.]

Congratulations Tom and Julie!

Seems like the only way to truly celebrate/memorialize Tom and Julie's classy wedding is with a homemade "Calvin Pissing" sign proclaiming the all-around bossness of the occasion.  Don't let the slick presentation fool you -- I made this baby at work in waaaay under an hour, with bad graphics downloaded from the internet and Microsoft Paint.  A pretty "non-Secret Comics" Secret Comics art project -- but I wanted to get something up sooner rather than later, in honor of the recent nuptuals.  The wedding ruled, even though my karaoke version of "I Found That Essence Rare" (big shout out to Karaoke Underground) afterwards may have left more than a little to be desired.  I tried, kids, and that's all I can do.